Dear Deni

I've been friends with this girl for about 5
years now and we have had intercourse in the
past. We've been hanging out with each other
almost everyday for the first 2 years before
anything happened. I went away for a year and
when I came back it's like she wanted me everyday
but it was like I didn't know how to read the
signs that she was giving me, I could say I
wasn't ready at that moment. Now that I am ready
she's not paying me any attention at all.

We used to go to the go-go bars at least 3 times
per week, now she's still going 3 times a week
but she tells me about it afterwards and always
promises that she will go with me the next time
but always gives me an excuse why she can't go
but I end up finding out that she went anyway
without me.

I don't want to push the issue with her but I
want to know what I should do to get back what we
had. I enjoy being with her because I am
comfortable with her and it's like I don't have
to worry about a relationship because we look at
each other as friends before anything else. I
also know that she is not looking for a
relationship either, she has other "friends".
Can you help me?

Marlie

Dear Marlie,

Bad news buddy. She got tired of waiting for
you. She has decided that you will NOT be her
significant other. In fact, she most likely has
decided that you are not a lot of fun to be with.
She is now with the friends that seem to meet
her own needs.

Women want a man who is “there” for them. You
weren’t. She sees that now. So she does not
want you to be around to potentially keep her
from meeting “Mr. Right.”

Honey, you’re the proverbial “fifth wheel” now.

So move on, find a new friend. It is your only
hope at this point. Your innate passivity may
fit with some other woman. It is not a good fit
with your current friend. But if she misses your
attentions, she may come back and ask about why
you are suddenly “ignoring her”. You really
aren’t, obviously, but you will be seeming to
ignore her. If this does not cause her to
question what she has lost, all is lost.

Ten years from now, when you have matured a bit,
you may have another chance with her. But not
now.

Get over it and move on, honey, as painful as
that may be for you.

Hugs as you cry,

Deni
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice

Hi, I really need some help deciding what to do.
I am a 55 year old male who had back surgery and
has developed RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy)
as a result. The nerves got so bad in my spine
that I could barely get an erection.

The Drs. tried to band aid the problem by giving
me Cialis and that gave me head aches.

I asked my wife if she would do things like play
with herself or use a vibrator so I could try and
get an erection. She thought that was private
and thought I was weird for even suggesting it.

We have been married for 25 years now. She also
suffers from a skin disease that causes painful
sores in the genitalia area.

I said that maybe we should make a pact to be
celibate, and she thought that was extreme. I
told her it is better than arguing about sex all
the time. She will not watch porn with me or
anything that we can do together to enjoy sex in
one way or the other.

I am tired of having to feel like a person that
can't keep an erection and a guy that can not
please his wife like I use to. I can't even
enjoy watching her climax using a device on
herself.

Help Me!
Steve

Dear Steve,

You seem caught between a big hard rock and a
precipitously high cliff. You have problems with
BOTH your wife and meeting your sexual needs.
Your wife deliberately refuses to meet you half
way, or assist you with some sort of compromise.

As I understand your letter, your wife wants sex
but will not act sexy so that you can become
aroused. And she will not cooperate with you by
assisting your libido watching erotic videos, or
in other ways.

I hate to say it, but it sounds to me like she
enjoys making you miserable. She knows you feel
guilty about your lack of sexual prowess at this
point in your life. And she seems to be
relishing not helping you meet your sexual needs.

You might try telling her in sensitive yet
concise terms how her attitude is making you
feel. Tell her without bitterness and without
blame. But tell her what is in your heart. She
may not yet understand.

But if indeed she is using sex to get back at you
for some past gripe, she may not be willing to
compromise.

If that is indeed how she feels, then I suggest
you simply stop trying to include her in your sex
life. Watch videos when she is not around. Find
ways to become aroused so that your own libido is
satisfied. But stop worrying about HER needs
being met. If she complains, ask her what the
solution is, because you have given up trying to
figure out a solution.

Snuggle with her, kiss her, tell her you love
her, but stop trying to “go all the way” with
her.

Let me know if this helps and we can concoct
further solutions. Good luck!

OK? Let me know!

Deni
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice