Dear Darling Deni,
I have read all your other answered questions and tips. You really do know alot! And with all those lovers... it'd be hard not to! I need help with my sister, she's recently tried masturbation and isn't very impressed by it! She asked me to help her by telling her what techniques to try, I have a fiance so I don't masturbate alot, I'm quickly turned on by the technique of rubbing a circle hard around your clit, but I'd like a couple more techniques to tell my poor sister. Please help!

Send an email back as soon as you can!
Love ya girl!
Rae

Angel in the Dark

Dear Rae,

I envy you your kid sister. I was the youngest in my family, and only had brothers. I now have some younger women that I live with, and I cherish their friendship and wide-eyed daily discoveries about life and love and self.

One of the things that have become abundantly clear to me is that each and every female body had its own sensations, eccentricities, and sensitivities. The things that turn me on are not the same ones that get Linda or Lieza or Karen’s body revving at full RPM . But let me impart what I have noticed about myself, and my younger friends.

Younger white women usually have to take considerable time trying to discover the treasure of their bodies and what it is that makes their bodies feel good. They often are hesitant to try. Much of this hesitance comes from two major things. One is that they have been taught, either through religious means, or by parental edict, that sex is something to be shunned, whispered about, and embarrassing to talk about. The second is that they have not yet experienced allowing themselves to think positively and in depth about sexual pleasures. Many have not read erotica, nor allowed themselves to enjoy watching males when they are naked, nor discovered the joy of intimacy with a male.

The first thing that you can share with your kid sister is that she should begin to think positively about her body, and about sex. Explain to her that it takes a willingness to explore and learn and experiment in order to enjoy her own body. Find some of your most erotic stories and help her enjoy reading them. Discuss them with her in ways that she does not feel embarrassed. Don’t be afraid to tell her flat out that you find them to be hot, and that you enjoy reading them. Allow her to see that you love sex. Allow her to understand that sex is a god given gift, and not to be ashamed of.

At the same time, be willing to teach her, when the time comes, about the responsibility a woman assumes when she makes the decision to have intercourse. Help her to understand that sperm, even deposited externally on her vagina, can make her pregnant. Teach her how to prevent conception and how to assure she does not contract disease. Facts go a long way to overcoming much of the whispered rumors she has heard in her formative years. Let her experiment with any toys you might have. Make her a gift of a small pocket rocket. But explain to her that it feels much different than a real penis, in as much the real thing doesn’t vibrate.

While you are doing all of this, also tell her what turns you on.

I will tell you what turns me on as well, so that you can share that with her if you so choose.

I like to slowly caress my opening, running my fingers around it, stretching it slightly as I do so. I like to tug softly at my clittie as I stroke my breasts. I like to slide my fingers into my cunt as though they are a penis seeking entry.

I like to move my fingers back and forth across my clittie, letting it bounce slightly as do so. As you described, slow solemn circles around her makes her want to be fondled. Using one hand to tease her, I like to use the other hand to fuck into my opening, starting with one finger and then adding more as I rise higher and higher.

If I am in a submissive mood, I like to pretend that I am tied up and that I have to find things like dildos and soft fabrics to caress my body against. While pretending I am tied up, I allow my fingers to slowly tease me, touching me tentatively and softly, as though my lover is making me wait, making me want them. I pretend that my lover delays penetration as I get wetter and needier. As you can tell, much of the scenario is in my mind, and not real.

When I am feeling dominant, I like to ride my dildo as it perches on my bed. I grind my pussy on it. I like to feel its girth inside me, feel it moving my vaginal sheathe as it gyrates inside my belly. I like to think of my lover saying sexy things to me, telling me how sexy I look as I fuck his hard cock.

I love to do these things while I am watching and hearing erotic videos or audio tapes. The sounds of a woman cooing as her lover takes her is a real turn on for me.

I like to caress the inner lining of my vagina with my fingers, pressing hard enough to stimulate the lower portions of my clit, or stimulating my G-spot. I like to lubricate my perineum with my pussy juices and caress myself there. I like to lubricate my anal opening and caress and even insert my fingers into myself there, especially when I have a dildo inside my pussy. Sometimes I like to take a second thinner dildo and fuck my own ass with it as I ride the bigger one in my pussy.

I like to caress my breasts and nipples, tugging at them, sometimes when I am feeling submissive, even slapping them roughly.

I like to watch my body in a mirror as I do these things. I like to watch the dildos enter me and withdraw. I like to watch my breasts as they wiggle and jiggle as I fuck my fantasy lover. I like to watch my tummy as it fills and hollows as the big cock fills and then empties my womb. I find putting a few lights at certain angle to cast shadows across my belly allows me to see its penetration and fillings.

I like to listen to my lover on the phone telling me what to do to my body as I masturbate. My girls like to describe what I am doing to my lover listening on the phone.

I periodically, especially if I am feeling submissive, like to slap my own ass.

I hope this helps you and your kid sister.

The main thing to understand is that it is her brain that has to be ready first, then her body will follow.

You might suggest to her that experimenting with her body with other girls is both acceptable and very pleasurable. Help her to understand that female - female loving is an acceptable way of learning how to pleasure herself.

I hope this helps, Rae. I remember my shy younger years, wishing desperately that I knew how to do these sort of things. It was not until I started actively participating in my own sexual pleasures that I understood that sex was a pleasure, not a chore.

Let me know how it goes.
Deni
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice

Dear Deni

My husband is VERY well-endowed. He is 6'3". I am 5' 1". Although I REALLY enjoy having sex with him, it is painful more so than not. I once read that certain sexual positions were better than others to help us. Can you please recommend some positions that are better than others to make me more "accessible" to him?

I do NOT want my name or email address published.
Thanks in advance for your advice.

R

Dear R

A large penis is both a gift and a punishment that affects the man and the woman in many ways. I wish that you had told me whether your husband is large in girth, length, or both. But since you didn’t, I will try to talk generally about all three situations.

As I have said in past tips, the depth of a woman’s vagina can range from quite shallow to surprisingly deep. A few women can only accept a penis that is four inches or less. A few women can accept a penis that is as long as 14”. Most women can accept a penis that is up to seven inches long thrusting into them without too much problem.

One of the great things about the design of a woman’s body is that our vaginal sheathe is quite stretchy in breadth. This works in our favor if we are with a man who has a thick penis (or having a baby).

One of the ways to assure that a well endowed man’s penis does not injure us or cause us pain is to be on top, therefore in control, during the initial penetration each time we have sex.

Usually if a man’s penis is particularly THICK, but not particularly LONG, the woman must only make certain that she takes all the time she needs in order to stretch her vagina sufficiently that his girth will enter her easily. This can be done with fingers, toys, or if taken slowly, his penis. Lots of lubrication on both his organ and her vagina will usually permit slow, serene penetration.

If however a man is longer than our vagina is deep, stretching our pussies depth will only help if his cock is not so long that the head of his penis strikes our sensitive internal organs, such as our bladder. For any woman who is with a man who is too long to accept comfortably, I recommend that the woman be on top every time, or at least until her lover learns just how deep into her he can safely go.

Being on top during sex allows the woman to control both speed of entry, and depth of penetration.

If a woman finds herself on the bottom or being taken doggy style, and her lover starts to thrust too deep and/or too hard, she should insert her clenched fist between their bodies to inhibit his overly exuberant penetrations.

If your husband is longer than you are deep, teach him that he cannot bottom out in you with force, nor pound you while being so deep inside you. A bladder infection can be painful for a long time. Too many bladder infections can lead to a permanently weakened bladder.

So the direct answer to your question is for you to use positions where YOUR movements control both speed and depth of penetration. I am normally comfortable with any man, regardless of diameter, that is seven and a half inches long. In fact my favorite penis size is two inches in diameter and seven and a half inches long. However with great care and having taken my time, my body did stretch deep enough to accept the full length of a man I have called Big Jon. His penis was fourteen inches long.

By taking him that deep, I now have to be careful, because I have less ability to hold my urine when I have to pee. When I have to go now, I HAVE to GO! It was worth it though, seeing the look on his face when he saw tiny me take his whole cock inside me. Happily, his time with me gave him the self confidence to date other women, and he is now happily married to a wonderful woman who cherishes his prodigious size.

If you are apart from your lover for an extended period, the woman being on top and therefore in control of speed and depth, can also allow her to take the time to get nicely turned on enough that she can orgasm at the same time her lover does. While doing so, you can control how soon he comes. Simply slowing down or even stopping can help women with men who tend to be premature ejaculators.

Men like that a whole lot!

I hope this helps you, R. If not, write back with a more specific question and I will try again.

Deni
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice