Dear Deni,
My name is Amanda, I have been married for almost 4 years now, will be in September '07, to a wonderful man, Rick.

My husband and I have a few problems in our sex life. The rest of our relationship couldn't be better.

He wants group sex, threesomes, and/or someone watching us have sex.

I personally don't want to do any of this, I have certain issues with it, and I feel that it is wrong in so many ways, for me. I have told him how I feel about it, and it never seems to get through to him, that I am not interested in any of it, but that does not seem to matter. I say no, but yet he still pushes me.

Sometimes even to the point of making me feel guilty because I am not pleasing him the way a wife should.

I am a firm believer in fidelity in a marriage, and I personally feel that we should be enough for each other, or we shouldn't have gotten married if he wanted to have intimate relations with other women.

I have had some issues in my past that helps in my decision in not participating in any of these fantasies.

After long discussions on this topic, there was one instance when I gave in and gave him a blow job in front of a friend of ours.

I felt so uncomfortable, and I felt bad about myself afterwards. For him, he just thought it was great, until I told him I wouldn't get any further. I wonder if that had gone any further, how would I have felt about myself and our marriage afterwards.

I honestly don't think I could live with the aftermath, it would drive me crazy. Thinking of him enjoying another woman, more than he does me, or thinking of her while we have sex.

What if, after the deed is done, we don't have the same feelings for each other as we did before it happened? I just can't live with that.

I tell him, but it doesn't seem to matter much, because he still wants it, and expects me to do it.

I am not willing to put my marriage on the line, or my sanity, for that matter, just because of some fantasy that he thinks he has to live out.

What do you think I should do?

Blessed Be,
Amanda

Dear Amanda.

You are in a tough situation! I wish I could hug you while you cry baby.

You and your husband have a totally different expectation of conjugal sexuality. You see yourself as someone who is true blue to your husband. That is an admirable trait!

Your husband has a strong fetish for exhibitionism.

But, from your email, I think I am picking up a few more things about you and your husband. Let me take a stab at what might be underneath the feelings you are describing. If I am wrong, please forgive me. I understand that you are feeling a little scared, and put-upon, right now.

From your letter, I perceive that your husband has a wonderfully healthy sense of self esteem. He is not shy, especially about showing affections, . . . . with no limits. He wants to share you, so he seems to be a giver. He wants you to feel sexy and alive like he does. His sense of giving extends to wanting you to enjoy his friends. I suspect he grew up in a warm loving home where his parents kissed and hugged in front of him regularly.

You, on the other hand, probably grew up in a home where your parents were “less emotionally available.” I suspect that a disapproving brand of religion has played a fairly strong part in your early and teenage year emotional development.

One of the interesting things about how God made humans is that we are attracted to our opposites! If we are shy, we are attracted to a person who is outgoing and fun to be with. If we were highly protected and restricted by our parents, we chose a person who is wild and free to date/marry!

That has several evolutionary advantages. If we were not attracted to our opposites, one disadvantage would be that humans would have a very high proportion of the population that is homosexual. Even those that were not homosexual would not have the balancing traits that keep the human genome more or less in the “center of the road” for such things as acceptance of others, being outgoing, nurturing of children and spouses, etc.

Psychologists tell us that we all tend to seriously date and even marry those who we wish WE really were! So if we marry someone who intrigues us, and has traits we secretly (maybe even subconsciously) admire, that often means we ourselves DON’T have those traits we admire.

Then, after we are married for a while, those very same traits we admired in our spouse before we got married drive us nuts!

Those opposite traits for you two is: his being uninhibited while you are inhibited (to some degree).

Please do not interpret that as being a negative statement.

Venereal diseases and HIV/AIDES are NOT to be taken lightly! Your sense of caution and reticence about being sexually exhibitionist helps you protect your body, and eventually your children, from those threats to the health and livelihood of your family.

The fact that your husband discounts (even ignores) YOUR feelings IS problematic. I suspect he believes, way down deep in his psyche, that you really DO want what HE wants. Open and honest communication about this is critical for you two, or your relationship will continue to degrade to that point from which there is no recovery. Talk to him about how you feel inside when he aggressively pushes you to do what you do not want to do.

And in my opinion, being inhibited DOES keep us from “being all that we can be”. The question then becomes, how do we overcome our inhibitions without losing our core selves and values?

Your best, quickest solution is to improve your communication with each other. HONESTY! Have him repeat back to you what you tell him. Put your thoughts and wants and needs in writing and have him read it to you and gently but assertively ask him questions about what your words say and what they mean. Ask HIM questions about what it says. Talk about how it makes you FEEL when he pushes you to do things that you do NOT want to do, honey! Tape your conversations and play them back to him. Be creative about how to break through the communication barrier that exists between you and your husband. He is NOT getting your message!

Your comment about him enjoying other women more than you tells me that you tend to hold yourself back in terms of your enjoyment of your time with him sexually. Honey, you can be every bit as good, or better, than any other woman around! I have written many articles about how to improve your sexual IQ. Read them, learn, practice, become the best, and then he will NEVER want to leave you for another woman. But if you continue to be an unresponsive and passive lover, he WILL eventually take his pent up sexual frustrations, his craving for his exhibitionistic fetish, and experiment with other women.

It is up to you to waylay that by becoming a tiger, a wonderfully loving and self respecting slut, in your conjugal bed.

Keep me posted of your progress honey!

Deni
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice