Dear Deni,

As you know I have a live-in lover and am married. I find myself "falling in love" with my lover. I still have feelings for my husband, but his inability to satisfy me sexually is slowly eroding our love. I can feel it. I am not sure he can yet.

My live-in lover has allowed me to find my sexual self. I had a baby with him, at my husband's urging. In fact conception was the reason I first went to bed with him. My husband is infertile. I see the tender love my live-in lover has for our darling baby. My husband loves him too.

I also have several other men who enjoy my body, also at my lover's and my husband's urgings and approval.

So I know I am officially a slut. And I have discovered that I LOVE being a slut. I find myself wanting more and more sex with more and more men.

How do I get this back in control?

Thanks for your support, Deni,
Trina

Dear Trina

You have a life that most women fanatasize about when they get turned on. You have an adoring husband, a well endowed lover you can enjoy any time you wish to, and you have lovers outside the home as well.

You have discovered that you enjoy being a sexy little slut! All of this is good as long as you are protecting yourself from such things as Sexually Transmitted Diseases and from the infrequent yet real dangers that can occur such as rape or being assaulted in other ways.

Yet you are becoming concerned that you might be allowing your vagina to do your thinking for you.

This most often occurs when you are using sex to gain recognition, to fill something lacking in your personal self esteem. Being the center of the sexual interest is a powerfully emotional situation. Men so appreciate a woman who is not inhibited. They love a woman to cum from their touches and penetrations. They adore us when we obviously want sex with them and will help them live their own fantasies.

In the end though, you have to ask yourself, is my sexual desire in control, or am I in control of my sexuality? In other words, what is driving this ‘erotic bus’?

If you find yourself unable to control your sexual urges, your sexuality has become an addiction. Addictions are an out of control urge. Whether that urge is for tobacco, alcohol, drugs, or sex makes little difference. The urge is still what is in control.

Beware: addictions usually find ways to push us into other self destructive situations.

One of the key ways to self diagnose as to whether we have an addition (or are just enjoying yourself) is to ask ourselves, in our heart of hearts, whether or not we are doing this for the benefit of others, or are we doing this primarily for our own benefit?

We should also do what I call “Limit Checking.” Limit checking is to visualize taking our actions to the extreme. For instance, if we are concerned about what we are doing, let’s say drinking an alcoholic beverage, what would happen if we were to do drink in excess every single day? Clearly, such excessive drinking of alcoholic beverages would be detrimental to those who love us as well as to our own health.

So ask yourself, Trina, “Who am I doing this for?” And then ask yourself, what is the HEALTHY limit of this activity?

While I do not know you well, I have come to see you as friend. My impression is that you were not, when I first met you, the most giving person. But I have watched you begin to be much less selfish and much less destructive of those you love. I hope that you will continue in those directions.

Addictions, if taken to the limit, destroy the person that is addicted as well as those around them who love them.

May I suggest that you require yourself to receive explicit permission from your lover before you permit yourself to enjoy sex with others? That puts someone else in control of your predilection to go overboard in an activity that is concerning you.

As to your concern about your husband, look always at his many, many good points. Remind yourself every day that he is giving you what YOU want. Appreciate how fortunate you are to have such a loving person in your life who loves you unconditionally. That does not happen very often.

Let me know how it goes, Trina. You have a wonderful situation already. Properly manage your sexuality and you will have a happy life.

Deni
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice