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Dear Deni,
How can I have an orgasm, during sex, with my man other then by
myself with my finger or with a vibrating toy. I want to have an
orgasm with my manÕs cock inside of me....
Sheila
Dear Sheila,
So glad you wrote with your question. That transition, from self-satisfaction
through masturbation . . . . . . to becoming responsive to our lover’s
penetrations can be fraught with frustration.
The answers are not easy, and can vary widely between women. I
was intrigued that your name was Sheila.
As you may know, Sheila (like the names Julia and Cecelia which
are other derivatives of the same root name in the original Gaelic)
means "Blind".
And in a way, your vaginal responses are, at this point in time,
"blind" to the very gentle stimulation that our bodies
receive from a male penetrations.
Here are a few pointers to try. Let me know if these work for you
or not.
- Do strength exercises for your vaginal muscles. I do
muscle development exercises every day. Some good ones are:
- Kegels: This is where, as you are peeing, you stop
the stream of your urine as many times as you can in each peeing
session. Over time, your vaginal constrictor muscles will build
up. This will result in two wonderful results. The first is
that your lover will feel much more intense gripping around
his cock when it is moving in and out of you. Your stronger
musculature will allow your vagina to grip him more intensely
as he enters you, and also as an alternative, as he pulls outward
on each stroke. The second result is that your muscles will
pull his penis more tightly against those portions of your clitoris
that surround your vagina. You AND your lover will LOVE this!
Most people do not realize that the clitoris is much more than
the little nubbin that protrudes outside our body. It is actually
a complex structure that in many ways resembles the male penile
shaft and scrotum. Part of this clitoral structure wraps around
your vaginal opening. By your muscles being stronger, you can
stimulate that hidden portion of your clit much more intensely.
- Internal exploration: If it is easy for you to reach
inside your vagina with your fingers (or, if not, have your
lover put his or her fingers inside you and have them give you
feedback), try contracting various groups of muscles such as
your anal sphincter, or your abdominal muscles, or the muscles
you use to start urine elimination or anal elimination, or the
muscles you use to "hold it" when you have to poop.
All of these muscle groups cause movement inside you, and therefore
stimulation around your vaginal sheathe. Build all of these
muscle groups up over time and you will find that your own body
receives added stimulation during penetration as well.
- Excite yourself before you actually initiate penetration.
This can be done by reading each other erotic stories (Samarel’s
wonderful site is filled with such erotica). The mere act of talking
about sex can be a wonderful aphrodisiac. Try caressing each other
for extended periods and in intimate ways. Explore each other’s
bodies with your mind, your hands, your lips, your tongue, etc.
Massages are a wonderful way to initiate desire.
- Talk about your fantasies with your lover. Act them out
before and during making love.
- Listen to your lover’s fantasies and visualize yourself
being the recipient of those thoughts. Respond to his thoughts
and touches in a visible way, giving him reinforcement that he
is giving you pleasurable stimulation.
- Brainstorm your mutual fantasies. Fine tune them to
make them more and more stimulating to you both.
Remember, your BRAIN is actually in control of your orgasm. Exercise
your erotic brain centers and the rest becoming much easier.
If you have inhibitions, exorcise them. That means that
you should totally convince yourself that your inhibitions are groundless.
And usually they are. I am not advocating doing things harmful to
your body or your well being. I am only saying that if, for instance,
you’re for what ever reason afraid of going skinny-dipping,
go through the logical process of convincing yourself that in the
right circumstances it is fun and highly erotic!
Another critical issue is the sad fact that vibrators can cause
a deadening of sensitivity in your private parts. It could be
that your body has become used to the much more vigorous stimulation
of the vibrations and is not yet aware of the much gentler stimulations
of your lover’s penis. You might try not using it for awhile
and see if over time that sensitivity returns.
And lastly, teach your lover exactly what feels best to you!
Teach him that circular motions with the base of his penis while
fully embedded inside you are often pleasurable.
Try having him only enter you to the depth of his glans, not
his whole. This partial penetration can be highly erotic, as
his prick teases your vagina with the possibilities that are coming.
I love watching my lover’s penis enter me and exit from me
completely with each decadent thrust. As his cock head slams between
my eager wet vaginal lips, it vibrates my clittie, ALL of it.
Experiment with the speed of his penetrations. Try having
him slam in and then draw out slowly. Try having him enter you slowly,
then yanking his cock out quickly. There are many variations of
this that can be intensely erotic.
Teach him how to use his testicles to tease your body as he
is fucking you. Teach him to periodically grind his pubic bone
on your clittie. Teach him to slam you from behind when he takes
you from behind, causing his soft swinging testicles to slap and/or
caress your excited clittie. I love feeling my lover’s hands
on my hips, controlling my ass as he enjoys it under his control
and pleasure.
Use "four letter words". Talk as you fuck. Tell
your lover graphically what feels good. Moan and swear as you feel
the need. Allow your sexuality to encompass your being, until there
is nothing in the world except his cock and your pussy. When that
happens, you are almost there! . . . . . . Then scream "FUCK
ME DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP! CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"
as you cascade into utter bliss.
. . . . . Or something similar. Men LOVE to see that they have
given us pleasure. Let them see that they have.
Key things to understand:
- Inhibitions decrease the joy and availability of your orgasms.
- Communications and an open mind, inventiveness and mental preparation
for sex, combined with building up your physical and mental attitude
of WANTING to cum, will improve your love life beyond what you
can even imagine today.
I wish you the very best, Sheila.
Deni
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice
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