Dear Deni

My husband has asked me on several occasions to have a threesome. At first I said no but after some time I agreed. It went terrible.

It was very awkward and uncomfortable for me.
I was ok with the making out and everything else except when it came to going down on the girl. I just found it gross. I tried to be upfront with my man, but it made it worse.

He said he wanted to see two woman who want to satisfy each other.

This is not me. In the end I just told him to do it with someone else, though this is not what I really want. How can I get over my phobia so I can take our sexual relationship to the next level?

Yolanda

Dear Yolanda,

I am proud of you for trying, Yolanda! Maybe I can help a bit with some observations and suggestions.

I suspect that you might consider your vagina to be a sullied place. And therefore since you consider YOUR vagina to be unclean, you think of the other woman’s body to be soiled as well. You are very normal if this is the way you think, so don’t feel badly about it, OK?

Perhaps her scent is not very pleasing to you as well. That would also add to the distaste that you felt.

You see, men only have to fantasize about our nakedness or about fucking our bodies to get turned on. Women on the other hand have to feel as if things are "right with the world" to become aroused.

I suspect that this "other woman" is not a really close friend of yours, and you may not even know her. I suspect you have no feelings for her. Just like for your first time with a man, you need to find a woman that you feel good about being around. There has to be a bond of trust between you and your lover, at least for the first few times.

Men rarely understand that a woman truly needs to feel ready for sex. Men, you see, get an erection and any hole will do in order to get off in. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but not much. And I do NOT mean that as a put down. God made us, males and females, that way. And God made us that way for a reason. Think about how the genes of any individual are most likely to get passed down through the generations, and you will see that men’s and women’s genes are most likely to be passed down if they act exactly as I have described.

So take matters into your own hands, and start looking for a girlfriend that you like, and respect, and want to be with, and are attracted to. When you find the right woman, seduce her. After you have had sex with her when you two are alone, THEN allow your husband to watch you two being together.

The seduction might be something like this: Dinner at your favorite restaurant, with wine and candlelight. Then you might take a drive to a great romantic parking place and spend an hour or two caressing each other and talking and kissing, touching each other like lovers do.

Then if things are going well, you might go to a motel room and spend the night together, not hurrying anything, just taking it slow and easy. It may take several "dates" for you to feel good together, or to decide to have sex.

Then, when you two are finally ready to become intimate, take a shower together, spending copious amounts of time washing each other’s bodies. Carefully wash her vagina several times, even as she washes yours. Spend time washing her clitoris and her inner canal. Get familiar with touching her there. When you are certain she is clean, and fresh, and smells good, you might explore her body more, learning how to kiss her in all her places. Wash her bottom, taking care to caress those intimate parts as you wash each other. Explore her, and enjoy her body. Let her enjoy yours. Don’t rush this part!

If you can find a place that has a tub big enough for two, all the better. Bubble baths together are a great way to feel sexy.

Personally, I like my lovers to be free of pubic hair around their vagina. One of the things we do as a part of our love making is to pluck our pubic hair from each others intimate regions. I have previously written an article describing how we do that. Search through Samarel’s SexGuide to find that article. The activity may sound painful to you at first, but in reality, if done the way I describe, can be highly erotic, and LOTS of fun.

The main things about these erotic activities is to pick the right partner, set the mood, get squeaky clean, and take all the time you need. If you have to, tie your husband in a corner with a gag over his mouth, particularly if he tries to dominate your love making. Remind him this is for you, not for him! He is simply being given the privilege to watch you two because you choose to allow it. Tell him this has to be right for you, and he can enjoy it or be denied the privilege of watching your erotic activities with your new lover. Read this article to him if you wish.

It may sound as if I am being harsh about his participation, but I am not. He will get just as much a sexual charge out of watching you this way as if he is in control.

And honey, there will be a dynamic that develops between you and your female lover, just as there was between you and your husband. She may be more dominant than you are, or you may dominate her. Just let that happen as it unfolds. Let it feel right. It makes no difference in the end who is more aggressive. It just has to feel unforced to both of you.

I suspect that if you do it this way, you will grow to be very fond of threesomes. I know I am.

Deni,
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice

Dear Deni,

Hi. I'm a virgin and I believe I'm ready to have sex. I know all about the diseases, condoms and everything else possible to have and/or wear during sex. I am hearing from my girlfriends that your first time is the worst and that it's only painful for a couple of minutes. I also heard that if your vagina is wet and you keep your legs wide open that you would not feel much pain.
My question is what can I do to reduce that pain and is it true about you being wet and keeping your legs wide open?

~Slim

Dear Slim,

You are about to enter into the world of adulthood. I am so happy to see that you have been doing your research, especially about Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). They are real, and they can be deadly, as you have learned during your research.

However, regarding your hymen, there is a little more for you to understand, it seems. So here is my input regarding that subject.

Your hymen is that part of your vagina that more or less "blocks off your vagina" during your younger years. It is entirely possible, especially if you are quite athletic, that your hymen is already broken, or at least perforated. Any small hole, or slight tear, makes it much easier to rupture during your first penetration.

I adore the slang term "popping your cherry" because it is sooooo descriptive of what happens! It describes the breaking of the tensioned skin of a hymen perfectly.

First though, let me tell you a bit about your hymen and your first time. As women, when we have sex, we are granting our lover the right to cause us pain, . . . . . NOT because he WANTS to, but because childbirth is painful for well over 99% of women. And sex, by definition, can result in a baby being conceived.

The pain that occurs during the breaking of our hymen is just God’s way of warning us what might be coming.

We humans have tried to trick Mother Nature into not allowing us to get pregnant when we have sex, but sometimes Mother Nature has the last laugh. Just because we take "the Pill", or use condoms, or diaphragms, or even all three, does not mean we are 100% protected from conceiving (or contracting an STD for that matter).

Here in the US, all birth control is tested, and statistics are calculated to show its effectiveness. These statistics are reported as a percentage of times that they fail.

NONE of them are 100% effective.

OK, enough preaching, now to your questions.

Your hymen, if it is still intact, is like the thin skin on the top of a drum. The rim of the drum is your vaginal walls. When something pushes against it hard enough, it ruptures. How much pain results is dependent on exactly HOW it ruptures. If it tears your vaginal walls, rather than simply rupturing across the face of the membrane, a lot of pain can result.

Some women, in order to make their first time less painful, deliberately partially rupture there own hymen in order to not have to have that painful memory as part of their first time with their male lover.

You could use the finger nail of your little finger, or some other slightly pointed object, placed in the center of your hymen to rupture it slightly. Something with a somewhat focused point is best to use, because it causes the hymen to rupture exactly where the point is pressing, rather than tearing a wider opening, which then could of course involve your vaginal wall. Remember, you only have to start the membrane to rupture, not completely rupture it. Then, when your lover presses on it, it will then continue to tear along the same lines that it has started to tear.

The end of a penis is normally quite broad and blunt, and that is what can sometimes cause the vaginal wall to be injured as well as rupturing your hymen.

You asked if being wet helps. OH GOD YES! Use LOTS of lubrication. If you are not naturally very wet, then use a commercial product that is nice and sterile. DON"T use spit. You are actually going to tear a hole in your skin, so spit could cause an infection.

Regarding keeping your legs wide open, I am not familiar with that being useful. I suspect that is more tied to the idea that if you are willingly participating, you will welcome the penetration, and be less tense.

What would be more helpful, in my opinion, are the following things:

I wish you great happiness in your journey into adult hood, sweetheart. Keep asking questions, and keep learning the easy way, like you are, not the hard way like so many do. Research and education can solve so many problems before they arise!

Deni,
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice