Dear Deni,

I am a 46y/o MWM and I have been married for 23 years and I am running into some difficulty with intimacy problems between me and my wife.

One of the things is she has problems in making her own natural lubrication and has to have a a bottle of K-Y lubrication oil at the side of the bed. Sometimes to me it distracts from making love to her. I do perform oral sex with her. I start by kissing her on the lips and making my way down her body. I don't just jump right in there and start right in and sucking and caressing her vagina. Like to move up and down her body so to make her feel tingly all over. I do this for about 5 to 10 minutes and then move to her vagina for about the same time, hoping this will build up her lubrication. Not too long after I penetrate her, she starts getting dry and I have to pull while she re-lubricates herself. This sometimes kills the mood. She has been to doctors to find out what is causing this, and they give her is some cream she has to vaginally insert and another cream she rubs on her wrist like she was putting on perfume.

Another thing is what we do in the bedroom is getting stale. Most of the time I have to initiate any type of lovemaking. Sometimes I would like it if she would start something. She would say she does by starting to rub my inner thigh or another part of my body or sit on the side of our bed without a shirt on, then she would expect me to finish it the rest of the way. In my opinion, when I start, I don't expect her to finish act, but I don't expect her to lie there and take everything in either. What I am looking for from her is that she shows interest in us without me having to take over after she starts. One thing, she is definitely not into any type of anal sex or multiple sex partners (primarily another woman). I guess I can see what fantasy she would like to have fulfilled make it come true. But it is trying things new and how to approach her in doing it.

If at all possible I would like to have a woman's point-of view on how to help me because I think they have a better idea of what is going with my wife to give me an objective observation.

I don't know if I am being selfish, or just not completely understanding what my wife is going through, but I would like to find a way to spice up our love life so our marriage doesn't get any worse.

I look forward to hearing back from you on how to assist me.

Dennis

Dear Dennis,

My heart goes out to you. The loss of intimacy with your spouse is often similar to feeling unloved. All sorts of questions probably go through your mind, making it difficult to concentrate on the good you still have left in your marriage.

There are no easy answers, because an optimum solution requires that you both work to understand what has happened to your intimacy over a long period of time.

I will try to explain enough so that you begin to understand what is possibly happening in your wife’s mind. Please forgive my generalities, because obviously I don’t know you two personally.

Regarding a woman being turned on sexually, there are (sigh, one of those generalities here) "two types of women", those that are self stimulating, and those that aren’t.

Many women view "it" as the man’s job to turn them on. They judge your activities as to whether what you have done for them merits their "sexual reward" for you. If your actions are judged as inadequate (in their opinion obviously) they refuse to allow themselves to "get turned on" by it.

If they are tired, or irritated, or selfish, or uncaring, it can be impossible to act in such a way that they will allow their bodies to respond to your actions.

They can also have been "brainwashed" into believing that if they allow themselves to respond to ANY man in a sexual way, they are bad, sinful, or naughty. During the early years of your marriage, your wife may have subconsciously permitted herself to experience the joy of sex with you. But as the years passed, she may have succumbed to her early life indoctrination by her mother, or father, or her teachers.

For a woman to become sexually aroused, she must give herself permission to feel turned on. This inability to give herself permission is most likely a subconscious thing in your wife’s mind. Therefore to solve your "lack of intimacy problem", she will have to make a CONSCIOUS decision to change her mindset. She will have to decide to deliberately do things that will self-stimulate her.

Some activities that can help her do this are reading erotica, viewing sexually stimulating pictures or videos, allowing herself to enjoy talking dirty, using a vibrator in her own hand as you watch her deliberately touching herself in a self pleasuring way, seriously discussing her having an affair, talking about your, or her, fantasies or any other taboo subject. Any or all of these can be a means of beginning to self-stimulate her own libido.

But for her to respond to ANY of these activities will require her to make a CONSCIOUS decision to allow her body to respond sexually.

The good news is that she is most likely not DELIBERATELY trying to make you miserable, or to disappoint you. In fact, she probably wars within her own mind as to why she can’t seem to please you sexually.

Women often do not understand just how important it is to a man that loves them for the woman to respond to their masculine amorous attentions. Instead, these women are focusing on simply allowing their man to gain relief for his built-in biological urge to ejaculate inside a woman.

It can be very hard for a women to allow themselves to act like a sexually active woman until AFTER they have become turned on. There in lies the problem. They can’t get turned on until they DECIDE to get turned on, and they can’t DECIDE to get turned on because they aren’t turned on yet; a true "Catch Twenty Two!"

That is why a man that can "touch" his woman in such a way, throughout the day, that allows her to feel enjoyment, will sometimes be rewarded that evening with sex. The "touching" can be verbal, or physical, of gifts, or flowers, or emails, or poetry, or any other activity that gets her attention and makes her think about being intimate.

If the woman has early life programming about how naughty that is, she may NEVER allow herself to respond to her mates advances, no matter how well conceived, or how well intentioned.

I feel so sorry for the couples that seem unable to get beyond this problem.

But honestly, your mate will have to be the one that changes her perceptions, her actions and reactions, and start to be honest with herself and admit to herself that SHE is responsible for arousing HERSELF!

Becoming sexually aroused begins in a person’s mind, particularly in a woman’s mind. And since many women refuse to even consider adopting this idea, their mates are doomed to a life of frustrated masturbation.

Then their woman can’t understand why their mate looses interest in romancing them. It is a vicious cycle.

My heart goes out to you. But you will have to get your wife to change her mindset to solve your problem. No one can arouse her but herself.

I wish you luck and success,

Deni,
Samarel Sex Guide Editor
Better Sex Advice